masterwordsmith-unplugged

Your houseplants stay alive - and you can't smoke any of them.

You find yourself in a garden centre and actually recognise the names of some plants.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

You used to go to nightclubs, the pub and rock festivals. Now you go to wine bars, dinner with friends and to rock festivals - but in a camper van.

Six in the morning is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.



You hear your favourite song played in a lift.

You can't wait to log on to Facebook each day and get unduly excited when you receive a friend request.

Your home used to consist of beanbags, piles of clothes and a plastic shower curtain. Now it has scatter cushions, a wardrobe and a wet room.

You get twitchy if you miss the weather report on the telly.

You're the one calling the cops because those damn kids next door won't turn down the damn stereo.

Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

You read Do-It-Yourself catalogues, Homes & Gardens and Harry Potter (to your children).

Eating a bucket of KFC at 3am would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

You go to the chemists for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

You're too old to party.

Drinking shots and smoking cigarettes guarantees midnight dry heaves and a sinus attack rather than midnight skinny-dipping and a Big Mac attack.

You see the appeal of a tailormade shirt and a good watch.

Comfort triumphs over style in the fashion stakes.

You hit the Big 4-0 Your profile picture on Facebook is a photo of your child and your albums have titles such as First Bath! and First Tooth!!!!

You'd rather enjoy a glass of Chardonnay than a can of lager.

You find yourself churning out the same old lines your parents did.

You always have a supply of clean underwear, freshly laundered in a drawer.

All you want is a quiet night in.



You choose Fairtrade coffee and organic muesli over pop-tarts and chocolate milk.
You no longer baulk at bar prices and never order the cheapest beer. In fact, as you sip your Peroni from the bottle, you realise what you really fancy is a deep-bodied Chilean Merlot.

You make sure you're well rested before attending a concert.

When you look at yourself in the mirror, you see your mother or father looking back at you.

People stare at you when you dance. And not in a good way.

Instead of throwing out the Innovations catalogue that comes with the Sunday newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and the money-saving appeal of an electronic mole-repellent for the garden and a plastic winter cover for your garden table.

You eat olives from the local farmer's market.

You leave concerts half an hour before the end "to beat the rush".


When sitting outside a bar, you can't help but admire the establishment's fine hanging baskets.

You can't drink like you used to.

Rather than throwing away old shoes, you keep them in case they come in handy for the garden.

When at a concert, you tut and sigh because the girl in front has wrapped her backside around her boyfriend's shoulders and you can't see the stage without standing up. And you really don't want to have to stand up.

You complain about the "youth of today".

You find yourself saying things like, "Whatever happened to... ?" and "I remember when we only had three TV channels."

You embarrass your children - and it's expected of you to do so.

You don't worry about looking sexy in beachwear.

Instead of snacking on cheese-puffs you'll have low-fat pretzels with rock salt.

Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

You feed your dog natural, holistic dog food instead of leftovers after a visit to McDonald's.

You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

You don't save money by drinking at home before going to a bar.

The cinema and meal out is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

You take naps.

You think wearing a chef's hat while barbecuing is a good look.

You try to be in and out of the local curry restaurant by 11 o'clock.

On the upside...

You succumb to midlife lust. Surveys from all over the world show that sex in your 40s is the best ever and women in particular want to have sex much more than their younger counterparts.