- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house
- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite
- A 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant
- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20-by-20-foot room
- Baseballs make marks on ceilings
- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on
- When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit
- A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way
- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan
- When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late
- Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
- A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day
- A 6-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says it can only be done in the movies
- If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes
- A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep
- Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old... Duplos will not
- Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence
- Super glue is forever
- McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know
- Ditto Tarzan
- No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water
- Pool filters do not like Jell-O
- VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do
- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes
- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving
- You probably do not want to know what that odor is
- Always look in the oven before you turn it on
- Plastic toys do not like ovens
- The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time
- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
- It will, however, make cats dizzy
- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
- Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry
- A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, usually in retrospect)
- 2:00 AM is not a good time to hear, "Daddy, diapers don't flush!"
- No time is a good time to hear, "Daddy, your tires are 'hisssssing.'"
- You never want to hear, "Watch me fly!" coming from the roof
- Nor do you want to hear, "Your new cel phone doesn't work underwater."
- Driveway seal coating and children DO NOT MIX!
- Never light fireworks inside
- Under the bed is not a good place to save snowballs for summer
- Daddy's shoe is not a good home for a pet tarantula
- Hiding uneaten vegetables in daddy's shoes is not good
- Bugs are not a dietary supplement
- Walnuts make the blender act funny
- Scissors and hair are often a dangerous combination
- Collecting things is good
- Collecting things that come out of your nose is not
- Eating string is a bad hobby
- Discovering string the next day is a disgusting hobby
- Finger painting is good
- Finger painting walls is dangerous
- If you hear the words, "Can ya eat a lizard's tail?" it's too late
- If you hear the words, "Guess what's in my hands?" you don't want to know
- If you hear the words, "Guess what's in my mouth", you REALLY don't want to know
- “Fan” and “flour” should never be heard in the same sentence
- The toilet does not make a permanent fish aquarium
- Most toilets cannot consume an entire roll of toilet paper without choking
- Any sentence which contains the word “Oooops” is bad
- Any sentence beginning with, "How much do you love me?" means “prepare for bad news”
- Throwing daddy's wallet in the trash compactor can change his mood
- Opening all 24 of daddy's cans of beer is a bad idea
- Hiding parts of daddy's computer can make your butt hurt
- Lipstick on the TV screen changes mommy's mood
- Fish cannot use a remote control, even if it’s placed in their tank
- "Why do fish float?" means trouble
- Any sentence beginning with, "When [your pet's name] dies..." is never a good sign
- Setting the hamsters free changes the cat's mood
- Cats do not like to be wrapped in duct tape
- Cats get even
-Author Unknown-
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