Weekend Humor

Posted by M ws On Saturday, June 23, 2012 0 comments
The Italian Neighbour

A man is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor who just had a very serious traffic accident and
is in hospital.

He doesn’t look too good, with his arms and legs in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions. In fact he looks rather like a mummy.

The man tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn’t responding.

Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says: “Mi stai bloccando il d’tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ….”

The man listens carefully to what his neighbor is saying, and inscribes the words in his heart.

At the funeral he tells the black-clad widow that her husband had something to say.

“And”, she asks with tearful eyes,”was it that he loved me? ”

“I do not know,” said the man, “but it sounded like Mi stai bloccando il d’tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ….”

The widow screams and faints.

“What?” the man asks his neighbor’s daughter, “what did he say, what does that mean?”

And the crying daughter says:

“You are standing on my oxygen hose, you git.”

_____________________

The Old Man and His Wife

One day, a man sat in his armchair writing his final will.

He calls to his wife who is busy in the kitchen and says to her, “WHEN I DIE I’M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU MY LOVE!”

She shouts back, "You already do, you lazy *******!"

_________________________

The African Tribal Leader

An African Tribal Leader flew across the ocean to the United States to visit the president.

When he arrived at the Dulles International Airport in Washington, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him.

One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight.

The chief made a series of weird noises …. “screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-” … and then added in perfect English, “Yes, I had a very nice flight.”

Another reporter asked, “Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you’re in the area?”

The chief made the same noises … “screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z” … and then said, “Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building.”

“Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?” asked the next reporter.

The chief replied, “Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z … I spent my childhood years listening to short-wave radio broadcasts.”

The Hearing Aid

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a hearing aid that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor for a check up.

The doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Check out Flatulence Humor which I posted last night.

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