masterwordsmith-unplugged

Sometimes, When I Look At My Children, I say To myself, "Lillian, You Should Have Remained A Virgin."
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in
the Catalogue: "No good in a Bed, but fine against a Wall."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain

The secret of a Good Sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the Right Idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be Careful About Reading Health Books. You May Die Of A Misprint.
- Mark Twain

By all means, Marry. If you get a Good Wife, you'll become Happy; if you get a Bad One, you'll become a Philosopher.
- Socrates

I was Married by a Judge. I should have asked for a Jury.
- Groucho Marx

My Wife has a slight impediment in her Speech. Every now and then she stops to Breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his Diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
 
Only Irish Coffee Provides In A Single Glass All Four Essential Food Groups: Alcohol, Caffeine, Sugar And Fat.
- Alex Levine

My Luck is so bad that if I bought a Cemetery, people would stop Dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you Happiness .... But it does bring you a More Pleasant Form Of Misery.
- Spike Milligan

Until I was Thirteen, I thought my Name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath

I don't Feel Old. I don't feel anything until Noon. Then it's time for my Nap.
- Bob Hope

I never drink Water because of the disgusting things that Fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the Aging Process Down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding Temptation. As you Grow Older, it will Avoid You.
- Winston Churchill
 
Maybe it's TRUE that Life Begins At Fifty... But everything else starts to WEAR OUT, FALL OUT, or SPREAD OUT.
- Phyllis Diller

By The Time A Man Is Wise Enough To Watch His Step, He's TOO OLD To Go Anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

And The Cardiologist's Diet: If It Tastes Good Spit It Out.