School
A place where Parents pay and children play .
Life Insurance
A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
Nurse:
A person who wakes you up to give you sleeping pills .
Marriage
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree
and a woman gains her masters...
Divorce
Future tense of Marriage.
Tears
The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...
Lecture
An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either" .
Conference
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes
he got the biggest piece.
Dictionary
A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody
disagrees later on.
Father
A banker provided by nature.
Criminal
A person no different from the rest
....except that he/she got caught.
Boss
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician
One who shakes your hand before elections and
your Confidence after .
DOCTOR
A person who cures your ills with pills, and then kills you with bills.
Classic
Books, which people praise, but do not read.
Smile
A curve that can set a lot of things straight .
Office
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that
nothing can be done together.
Experience
The name men give their mistakes.
Atom Bomb
An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher
A fool who torments himself during life, so that he will
be considered wise after he is dead.
Thanks to Freddie who shared this list.
If a man cuts his finger off while
Slicing salami at work,
He blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day
For 40 years and die of lung cancer,
Your family blames the
Tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes
Into a tree while driving home drunk,
He blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are
Brats without manners,
You blame television.
If your friend is shot by a
Deranged madman,
You blame the gun manufacturer
And if a crazed person breaks
Into the cockpit and
Tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet,
And the passengers kill him instead,
The mother of the crazed deceased
Blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to
Understand the world
As it is anymore.
So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED BUTT
is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to
Blame Bill Gates.
Just kidding!
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language became boiled down to 4-letter words
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow.
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas.
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -Mark Twain.
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde.
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop.
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright.
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -Irvin S. Cobb.
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson.
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating.
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand.
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker.
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain.
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.." - Mae West.
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde.
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912).
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder.
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." – Groucho
Thanks to Freddie who shared this.
"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish" (one of my favorites), or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
.. A will is a dead giveaway.
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
.. When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.
.. Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the wretched crop:
..... Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.
Thanks to Angela who shared this list. Have a great day!
Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. —Jon Stewart
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR execs. —Daniel J. Boorstin
I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of…
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
An aye for an aye makes the whole world pirates. —Brandon Specktor
Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do…
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. —Steven Wright
I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon. —Ellen…
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. —Mitch Hedberg
How many sheep does it take to make one sweater?
A: Depends how well they can knit.
Q: Why do cows have bells?
A: Because their horns don't work.
Q: I travel all over the world, but always stay in my corner. What am I?
A: A stamp.
Q: What did the doctor tell her invisible patient?
A: "I can't see you today."
Q: A juggler, a tightrope walker, and a clown were lost in the jungle, when all of a sudden a lion…
Q: Why did the bacteria cross the microscope?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: How many seconds are there in one year?
A: 12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd…
A: A deck of playing cards.
Q: Why are football stadiums so cool?
A: Because every seat has a fan in it!
Q: How many bananas can you eat if your stomach is empty?
A: Just one—after that, it's not…
Most popular works of art have some sort of message.
Star Wars teaches us to fight the evil in ourselves in order to fight the evil outside ourselves.
The Godfather warns us against the corrupting powers of greed; and Prometheus promotes the practice of running sideways if a tall object is falling on you.
Unfortunately, sometimes the message gets lost and fans misinterpret the movie or book so badly that they end up becoming the exact same things the authors were warning them about, with hilarious and/or tragic results.
CLICK HERE to read all about it.
A lady rang up St. Joseph 's Hospital and timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear, if you tell me the name and room number of the patient?" The sweet lady in a weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator said, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news.... Her nurse just told me that Norma is going normal.... Her blood pressure is fine, her blood report just came in and - all is ok, and by the way her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The sweet lady said, "Thank you... That's wonderful..!! I was so worried. God bless you for the good news..!!"
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome... Is Norma your daughter?"
The lady said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302... No one tells me anything."
Thanks to Mr Krishnan who shared this post.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemmingway
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill; --His reply, Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
If God had not intended us to drink beer, He would not have given us stomachs. --David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking class. --Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton
People who drink light 'beer' don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. --Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry
I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan
They who drink beer will think beer. --Washington Irving
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools. --For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson
Pasta had not been invented
Curry was a surname
Olive oil was kept in the medicine cabinet
Spices came from the Middle East where they were used for embalming
Herbs were used to make rather dodgy medicine
A takeaway was a mathematical problem
A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower
Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time
The only vegetables known to us were spuds, peas, carrots and cabbage
All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not
Condiments consisted of salt, pepper, vinegar and brown sauce if we were lucky
Soft drinks were called pop
Coke was something that we put on the fire
A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter
Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner
A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining
A Pizza Hut was an Italian shed
A microwave was something out of a science fiction movie
Brown bread was something only poor people ate
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking
Bread and jam was a treat
Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green
Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle
Cubed sugar was regarded as posh
Figs and dates appeared every Christmas, but no one ever ate them
Coconuts only appeared when the fair came to town
Jellied eels were peculiar to Londoners
Salad cream was a dressing for salads, mayonnaise did not exist
Hors d'oeuvre was a spelling mistake
The starter was our main meal. Soup was a main meal
Only Heinz made beans
Leftovers went in the dog
Special food for dogs and cats was unheard of
Fish was only eaten on Fridays
Fish didn't have fingers in those days
Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi
Ready meals only came from the fish and chip shop
For the best taste fish and chips had to be eaten out of old newspapers
Frozen food was called ice cream
Nothing ever went off in the fridge because we never had one
Ice cream only came in one colour and one flavour
None of us had ever heard of yoghurt
Jelly and blancmange was only eaten at parties
If we said that we were on a diet, we simply got less
Healthy food consisted of anything edible
People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy
Indian restaurants were only found in India
Brunch was not a meal
If we had eaten bacon lettuce and tomato in the same sandwich we would have been certified
A bun was a small cake back then
The word" Barbie" was not associated with anything to do with food
Eating outside was a picnic
Cooking outside was called camping
Seaweed was not a recognised food
Pancakes were only eaten on Pancake Tuesday
"Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food
Hot dogs were a type of sausage that only the Americans ate
Cornflakes had arrived from America but it was obvious they would never catch on
The phrase "boil in the bag" would have been beyond comprehension
The idea of "oven chips" would not have made any sense at all to us
The world had not heard of Pot Noodles, Instant Mash and Pop Tarts
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold
Lettuce and tomatoes in winter were only found abroad
Prunes were medicinal
Surprisingly muesli was readily available in those days, it was called cattle feed
Turkeys were definitely seasonal
Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one
We never heard of Croissants; we certainly couldn't pronounce it
We thought that Baguettes were a problem the French needed to deal with
Garlic was used to ward off vampires, but never used to flavour food
Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock
Food hygiene was all about washing your hands before meals
Campylobacter, Salmonella, E.coli, Listeria, and Botulism were all called "food poisoning"
The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties …. elbows
*Thanks to Kassim who sent me this post.
DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING: Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR? Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his. Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out? Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy. Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered; I think she is going through mental pause. Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do? Do you have any answers to help Abby? Thanks to Angela who shared this post.
Here's an oldie but still a goodie which I am re-posting just for smiles. Have a lovely evening!
"I think all extremists should be shot."
"I hate all those people who make generalisations"
"I used to be apathetic, but now I just don't care."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I just don't know."
"I've decided that I procrastinate too much, but I'm going to change that in a week or so."
"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up."
"I used to be conceited, but now I'm perfect."
"Once I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken."
"I'd give my right arm to be ambidexterous."
"Thank God for atheism."
"I'm not conceited. Conceit is a fault and I have no faults."
"I'm not arrogant, I'm just better that you."
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
What breakfast cereal had the greatest influence on your life?
If you could save a million starving children by sacrificing one of the major TV networks, would you choose ABC, CBS, or NBC?
If you could change the order of the alphabet, what order would you put the letters in?
Would you rather be stupid or ugly?
Be true to your teeth and they won't false you.
If you had to eat one crayon out of a box of 64, what color would it be?
If you could chose between the body of a 20-year old and the body of a 50 year old, where would you keep it?
Would you accept reincarnation if you knew you would come back as Morton Downey Jr.?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
It is in process - So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
We will look into it - By the time the wheel makes a full turn, we assume you will have forgotten about it too.
A Program - Any assignment that can't be completed by one telephone call.
Expedite - To confound confusion with commotion?
Channels - be trail left by the interoffice memo.
Coordinator - me guy who has a desk between two expeditors.
Consultant (or Expert) - Any ordinary guy more than 50 miles from home.
To Activate - To make carbons and add more names to the memo.
To Inplement a Program - Hire more people and expand the office.
Under Consideration - Never heard of it.
Under Active Consideration - We're looking in the files for it.
A Meeting - A mass mulling by master minds.
A Conference - A place where conversation is substituted for the dreariness of labor and the loneliness of thought.
To Negotiate - To seek a meeting of minds without knocking together of heads.
Re-orientation - Getting used to working again.
Reliable Source - The guy you just met.
Informed Source - The guy who told the guy you just met.
Unimpeachable Source - The guy who started the rumor originally.
A Clarification - To fill in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground.
We Are Making A Survey - We need more time to think of an answer.
Note and Initial - Let's spread the responsibility for this.
See Me, or Let's Discuss - Come down to my office, I'm lonesome.
Let's Get Together on This - I'm assuming you're as confused as I am.
Give Us the Benefit of Your Present Thinking - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already decided to do.
To Give Someone the Picture - A long, confused and inaccurate statement to a newcomer.
Will Advise You in Due Course - If we figure it out, we'll let you know
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
When in doubt, mumble.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
"I am," is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do," is the longest sentence?
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
Forget the health foods. I need all the preservatives I can get.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
Denial is not a river in Egypt.
Age is just a number, and mine is unlisted.
Rugby is a game played by a few gentlemen with odd shaped balls.
Before you meet your handsome prince you may have to kiss a lot of toads.
How can I know what I think until I hear what I say?
Jack and Jill did it for insurance.
Yesterday I could not spell computers and today I are a programmer.
If people actually looked like what they look like in their passport photos very few countries will let them in.
Laugh and people will laugh with you.Snore and you will snore alone.
If superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
Women's libbers should be put behind bras.
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility and there are so few of us left.
Everytime I think the world is moving so fast, I go to the post office.
Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man and communism is the reverse.
Have you noticed that the wrong calls are never busy?
Celibacy is not heriditary.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
The difference between men and boys is the price of their toys.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Dain bramaged.
Department of Redundancy Department
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Buy a Pentium/90 so you can reboot faster.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
The name is Baud......, James Baud.
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
E Pluribus Modem
... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
All computers wait at the same speed.
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
Hit any user to continue.
Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversingwith inanimate objects.
Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
"I left my other vehicle in the broom closet."
Neuter Newt.
A conservative is a person who lives in a past that never existed. A liberal prefers a criminal's rights to society's rights. You know you beat a liberal in an arguement when he calls you names. Diplomacy is the art of letting somebody else have your way. Chopped cabbage is not just a good idea, it's the slaw! It was a brave man who ate the first oyster. Everytime I think the world is moving so fast, I go to the post office. Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man and communism is the reverse. Have you noticed that the wrong calls are never busy? Celibacy is not heriditary. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. The difference between men and boys is the price of their toys. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? -Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways. If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of? No guts, no glory, no brain, same story. If quiters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"? If you don't die from it -- it is healthy. If everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is Going on. One good turn gets most of the blankets. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. There are three kinds of people -- those who can count and those who can't. It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out. My homework is like a juicy steak -- rarely done. There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead. Life is sexually transmitted. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. If at first you don't succeed -- give up! No use being a damn fool. Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful. No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong. You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever. Only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles. Never assume malice for what stupidity can explain. Common sense isn't. Nobody ever forgets WHERE they buried the hatchet.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves me altogether.
The only person who listens to both sides of an argument is the next door neighbor.
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
I intend to live forever . . . so far, so good.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Most accidents happen in the kitchen. And the men have to eat them!
Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let her sleep!
I'm not ugly I'm just Facially challenged
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
If you cross poison ivy with four-leaf clovers do you get a rash of good luck?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Eagles may soar, but groundhogs don't get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Mental backup in progress-Do Not Disturb!
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If God wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees.
If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing a seat belt.
It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
-Author Unknown-
An oxymoron (plural oxymora or oxymorons) (from Greek ὀξύμωρον, "sharp dull") is a figure of speech that combines contradictory terms.
Oxymora appear in a variety of contexts, including inadvertent errors such as ground pilot and literary oxymorons crafted to reveal a paradox.
Here's an interesting list for your reading pleasure...
- Act naturally
- Found missing
- Resident alien
- Advanced BASIC
- Genuine imitation
- Airline Food
- Good grief
- Same difference
- Almost exactly
- Government organization
- Sanitary landfill
- Alone together
- Legally drunk
- Silent scream
- Living dead
- Small crowd
- Business ethics
- Soft rock
- Butt head
- Military intelligence
- Software documentation
- New classic
- Sweet sorrow
- Child Proof
- "Now, then ..."
- Synthetic natural gas
- Passive aggression
- Taped live
- Clearly misunderstood
- Peace force
- Extinct life
- Temporary tax increase
- Computer jock
- Plastic glasses
- Terribly pleased
- Computer security
- Political science
- Tight slacks
- Definite maybe
- Pretty ugly
- Twelve-ounce pound cake
- Diet ice cream
- Working vacation
