Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR execs. —Daniel J. Boorstin
I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of…
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
An aye for an aye makes the whole world pirates. —Brandon Specktor
Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do…
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. —Steven Wright
I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon. —Ellen…
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. —Mitch Hedberg
How many sheep does it take to make one sweater?
A: Depends how well they can knit.
Q: Why do cows have bells?
A: Because their horns don't work.
Q: I travel all over the world, but always stay in my corner. What am I?
A: A stamp.
Q: What did the doctor tell her invisible patient?
A: "I can't see you today."
Q: A juggler, a tightrope walker, and a clown were lost in the jungle, when all of a sudden a lion…
Q: Why did the bacteria cross the microscope?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: How many seconds are there in one year?
A: 12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd…
A: A deck of playing cards.
Q: Why are football stadiums so cool?
A: Because every seat has a fan in it!
Q: How many bananas can you eat if your stomach is empty?
A: Just one—after that, it's not…