masterwordsmith-unplugged

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves me altogether.

The only person who listens to both sides of an argument is the next door neighbor.

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.



I intend to live forever . . . so far, so good.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.



Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Most accidents happen in the kitchen. And the men have to eat them!

Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let her sleep!

I'm not ugly I'm just Facially challenged

If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?

If you cross poison ivy with four-leaf clovers do you get a rash of good luck?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Eagles may soar, but groundhogs don't get sucked into jet engines.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?



Mental backup in progress-Do Not Disturb!

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

If God wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees.

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing a seat belt.

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

-Author Unknown-