Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
When in doubt, mumble.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.