Best of Irish Humour

Posted by M ws On Tuesday, March 26, 2013 0 comments

Three Irish women go to confession and all three tell the priest that they have been having bad dreams about ghosts. The priest gets mad and decides to mention it during the Mass on Sunday.

"Before we leave Mass today I want to say a few things about what I've been hearing in confession. There is no such things as ghosts, and those of you dreaming about ghosts should quit telling me about it. Now has anyone else in this church had a dream about a ghost?"

Paddy is sitting in the back row half asleep and he raises his hand.

"Paddy, now don't tell me you've been having dreams about a ghost too," asks the priest?

"Oh I'm sorry Father", says Paddy, " I thought you said goat."

___________________

A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat.
"Care to go to bed?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said his blushing bride. "These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code - like, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' - instead."

So, the following night, the husband asks: "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, darling?"

"No," she snapped back, "I definitely shut it." Then she rolled over and fell asleep.

The next morning, she woke up feeling a little frisky herself, so she nudged her husband and said: "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all..."

"Don't worry," said the man. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

_____________________

An Irish man, an English man, a Scots man and a Welsh man were all on an airplane together when one of the engines fails.
The pilot explains the situation to the all of the passengers. He tells them if someone doesn't jump out they will all be dead.
He asks who is prepared to die for the greater good, adding that they will be remembered as a hero forever.
The brave Scots man says 'Ok then, i will do this for the glory of my country' and jumps out.
The pilot turns around and tells the remaining passengers that the plane is still going down and someone else must do the right thing.
The Welsh man tells every one that as he is the oldest out of all the passengers, he will take the plunge, so he jumps out .
Again the pilot turns around and says, its helping but we need 1 more to jump for the rest of the passengers to survive.
So the Irish man says 'well I hoped it wouldn't come to this, but I will do this for the greater good and for the glory of my country.
So he grabs the English man and throws him out the door.

________________

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die in a plane crash and go up to Heaven's gates together.
When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who says: "Sorry, it's crowded up here, you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."
He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"
"Oh, that's easy," the teacher replies, "the Titanic."
So St. Peter lets her into Heaven.
Next he turns to the petty thief.
"How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asks.
"Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and I think it was 1,500."
St. Peter steps away and the thief walks into Heaven.
Finally, St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says: "Name them."

_______________________

While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:

'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'

Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.

'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out often, but I'm giving Mick the job.'

'Why's that?' asked Pat.

'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had

'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.

_______________________


Father McGee walked into the church and spotted a man sitting cross-legged on the altar.

'My son,' said the holy man, 'what are you doing? Who are you?'

'I'm God,' said the stranger.

'Pardon?'

'I'm God,' he repeated. 'This is my house!'

Father McGee ran into the presbytery and, in total panic, rang the archbishop.

'Your reverence,' said he, 'I hate to trouble you, but there's a man sat on me altar who claims he's God. What'll he do?'

Take no chances,' said the archbishop. 'Get back in the church and look busy!'

___________________________

Murphy approached Mulligan's bar. On the step outside he was accosted by a nun, Sister Marie, who said:

'Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity? Surely you're not going to waste your hard-earned cash on the devil's brew. Why don't you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?'

'Hang on, Sisters,' spluttered Murphy. 'How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it's wrong to form such a rash judgement when you've never tasted the stuff?'

'Very well,' said Sister Marie. Till taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can't go into the pub, so why don't you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass!'

'OK,' said Murphy and into the bar he breezed.

'I'll have a large gin,' he said to the barman. 'And can you put it in a cup?'

'My God,' said the barman, 'that nun's not outside again is she?'

**Posted for laughs

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