masterwordsmith-unplugged

Warning Signs of Insanity:

Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.

Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island because they weren't rescued.

You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

You have a serious fear of fabric softener.

Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

Melba toast excites you.

When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him because 'the napkins have ears.'

You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them.

The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you.

You like reading lists like this. :-) Just kidding!

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Pick-Up Line - What Do You Do For A Living?

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
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Two drunks staggering home one night and one decides to take a shortcut through the cemetery. Half way through an apparition appears. "What's that on your back?" the ghost asks.

"It's a hump" says the drunk The ghost puts his hand on the drunk's back and the hump disappears.

He races home and next night at the pub he tells his mate all about it. His mate is amazed and says he is going through the cemetery that night as he has a wooden leg and wants a proper leg. Again half way through the cemetery a ghost appears... "What's wrong with your leg?" he asks.

"It's a wooden leg," says the drunk.

"Have you got a Hump?" asks the ghost.

"No" replies the drunk. So the ghost puts his hand on the drunk's back and says, "Here, you can have this one."