masterwordsmith-unplugged

Be forewarned. The following list of jokes is rather saucy and raunchy (some are old but still like gold :-) so if you feel you might be offended by such humour or if you are under 18, please scroll down and click on OLDER POST at the bottom of the page. Adults only, please. Posted strictly for humour with no intention to offend or insult anyone. Have a nice day. Keep smiling.

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Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. 

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my p**** into the pickle slicer?" 

"Oh, Bill, you didn't." 

"Yes, I did." 

"My God, Bill, what happened?" 

"I got fired." 

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

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There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." 

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." 

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." 

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" 

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old

lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." 

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. 

They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." 

She replies, "if your p**** is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

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A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. 

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. 

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" 

"Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." 

"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

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A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. 

He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average p**** and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

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One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." 

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his

wife again. 

This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dental appointment tomorrow too?"

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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the

astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the

gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. 

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

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A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch tomato, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown." 

The small white guy faints!!

The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?"

The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?" 

The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch tomato, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." 

The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around. '"

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A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years

He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,

“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”