masterwordsmith-unplugged

• Definition of an Irish husband:  He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.


  • Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.  Quinn
thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.


• The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often
among themselves is that they're always assured of​ ​ having a worthy opponent.

• An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an ​ ​Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"

 "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.



• Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?

Answer - So the Australians can understand them.


• Reilly went to trial for armed robbery.  The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."

 "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"


  • Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"

 Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."



  • Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"

"No," said himself, "but I'm getting closer all the time."



  • Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?

    A.   A bachelor.


• Finnegin: " My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning.  I can't break her of it. "

  Keenan: " What on earth is she doin' up at that time? "

  Finnegin: " Waitin' for me to come home . "


  • Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.  "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"

 "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.

"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."

• "O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your​ ​wife's appearance?"

"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"


• Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their
honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?


  • My mother wanted me to be a priest.  Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to ​ ​tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

Posted strictly for laughs with thanks to Mr TSK for sharing.