Dear reader, I have a friend who farts. I mean real bad farts. You know - the type that can cause serious toxic poisoning. A few of us have had terrible experiences with him and this particular post is dedicated to this old farting friend of mine and those of you out there who love to fart regardless of your age or gender :-). Have a good fart oops I mean a good laugh, smile a lot and enjoy the rest of the evening! Next political post should be up by 10p.m. Take care!
* Sorry dear reader...have been very distracted by this post hehehe and am behind schedule for my socio-political post. Should be up by 10.30p.m. or thereabouts.
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This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
Eeeeeewwwwwwww!!!
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Fart Names - Funny euphemisms people use for farts ...
Gravy Pants
Firing Scud Missiles
Turd Honking
Mud Duck
Panty Burps
Pant Stainers
Cut the Cheese
Trouser Cough
K-Fart
Crack Splitters
Turd Tooties
Anal Audio
Great Brown Cloud
Exercising the meat nozzle
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A Belch is just one gust of wind,
That cometh from thy Heart...
But should it take the downward trend,
It turns into a Fart
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Why do farts stink? So that deaf people can enjoy them also!
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WHEN YOU SHOULD NEVER FART:
1. Inside a crowded Lift.
2. Inside a public library.
3. On a crowded train.
4. Whilst giving a speech.
5. In Church.
6. Whilst on a date.
7. In a packed lecture theatre.
8. In your office.
9. At a cinema.
10. In a walk-in freezer - it'll linger a while
11. In a ticket line.
13. On an airplane.
14. During confession
15. In the bed, whilst feeling frisky.
16. In bed when you're feeling frisky
17. While fighting fire in a burning building
19. In a patrol car for a minor violation
WHEN TO FART:
1. Bosses office as you are about to leave. - best to make sure it's silent but violent.
2. In a bathroom.
3. In the cashiers line - it's bound to speed things up.
4. The empty elevator before you get off.
5. Beside an occupied dressing room - no doubt it'll quickly become unnocupied.
6. Your co-workers cubicle at the office.
7. When deep sea diving.
8. Back seat of the Police Mobile after being arrested.
9. In your car if you've been carjacked.
10. During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors.
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If you're an American when you go into the bathroom, and an American when you come out, what are you when you're in the bathroom? Eur - o - pean.
Two guys are in a locker room when one notices the other has a cork up his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a Big Fella in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish."
And I said, "No sh*t."
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A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man lets rip a fart. Wifey rolls over and growls, "What in God's name was that?"
Man says, "TOUCHDOUWN, I'm ahead, 7 to nothing!!!"
A few minutes later the wife lets rip a Scorcher.
Husband says, "Crikey, what was that?"
The man lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he craps in bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
He replies, "Halftime, switch sides."
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Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they'll stop laughing.
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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
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Farting All The Time
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor. He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
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Three men visit the mountain of wishes where, if you jump off and say your wish you'll get it.
So the first guy jumps and says I wanna be famous, POOF he's famous.
The second guy jumps and says I wanna be rich, POOF he's a trillionaire.
Finally, the third guy goes trips over a stick and says shit.
As he hits the bottom he lands in a pile of shit.
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There were three horny dogs (A British bulldog, A German shephard and a Chihuaha)
A poodle walked by and she says "Ill let one of you f*** me if you can use liver and cheese in the same sentence"
The Bulldog says "I hate liver and cheese"
She says "Nope that wont work"
The German shephard says "I love liver and cheese"
She says "Nope that wont work."
The Chihuaha says "Liver alone cheese mine"
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Now I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.
I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.
If you would do this for me no one would ever know.
I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.
I am very desperate and I need your help.
You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.
I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so.
Do you have a piece of gum? Now, what were you thinking of???? Tsk tsk tsk!!!
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Have a lovely evening er..should I say a fart-filled evening??? LOL!!! Enjoy...I mean the evening, and perhaps the fart too! :-)
I started blogging on May 16th 2008 at my first blog MASTERWORDSMITH@WRITERS.INC and was writing mainly inspirational stuff. Subsequently, I started this blog on August 17th 2008 to write about socio-political issues and then Motion of My Thoughts in February 2009 to cover more international issues.
You know, when I first started masterwordsmith-unplugged, I only had five subscribers. It was quite depressing because I put in lots of effort and wondered why few people came to visit my blog to read my writings. Undaunted, I carried on writing for the sheer love of writing per se and not to achieve fame or glory. Then, I wrote about Anwar and the Permatang Pauh election and somehow my posts were picked up by Malaysiakini a couple of times and I did not even know how or where it appeared for I was not a MK subscriber but I noticed the traffic coming in from there. In time, I grew wiser and learnt the little tricks of blogging by reading up lots on the net.
When I went through the worst period of my life in November 2008 to January 2009, I quit blogging, deleted all my posts and went through the most depressing state of my life. I sat in front of my pc and wept. I wept because I felt that I had cut off my lifeline for stupid cowardly reasons. I cried because I wanted the courage to speak up and yet I could not find my voice. It was truly a devastating period of my life when I did loads of soul-searching. It was not easy clicking on the urls of my blogs and seeing the farewell message then and it hurt so much to know that despite my announcement that I would no longer blog, yet, regular readers still visited my blogs daily. Blog comments were disabled because I felt I would break down when I read messages from readers.
By late January 2009, I started blogging again albeit with much fear and trepidation. From then till mid-October of 2009, I blogged on inspirational and personal stuff with a few socio-political posts. By September, my dear friend Antares left me a comment in one of my posts expressing how he missed hearing my real voice in my writing and that made me realize how much I had suppressed my voice, how I had allowed myself to rot in my muted state. With much encouragement from my dearest friend Angela, I started to blog again in socio-political issues in mid-October and I have not looked back since.
Frankly, I do not think I am a great blogger or writer. I wish I could write like Arianna Huffington of Huffington Post, RPK, Antares, Art Harun, Citizen Nades, Vijay Kumar Murugavell and many other famous writers/bloggers. Often times, I spend hours reading up before I write on a topic and one thing is for sure - I write from my heart to express how I feel and not to impress anyone for I don't think highly of my abilities as a writer. How ironic, isn't it? Why? Simple. I have spent over 20 years of my life teaching others how to write! Perhaps it is because I always have high standards for myself and for the greater part of my life, have been dwarfed by my friends whom I regard to be better writers. But that has not stopped me from blogging...in fact, it has given me the impetus to work harder, think harder and to be more diligent in my blogging.
In my own little way, I try to provide an objective view of current issues with a few subtle slants here and there but more importantly, is the need to raise awareness and to ask questions that can lead us to the answer or the fact that there is no answer to certain issues and to wonder about why this is so when we rightly deserve answers to those very questions! Many thanks to the team at Malaysia Today for featuring some of my blog posts. I appreciate the comments posted there and here in my blog. Hopefully, the forum will help readers to better understand those topics.
Truth is, I cannot imagine life without my blogs. Blogging has given me so much satisfaction in my life. I live a very private and reclusive lifestyle and only socialize with three friends in Penang. As I am CEO of my home and not gainfully employed, it can be quite lonely at home, especially when my boy is at school. Without much human communication (except for my chats with Angela), I believe I would have become mentally and intellectually inert if not for blogging. Besides, via blogging, I have made friends with readers even though I may not know their real identity. The knowledge that readers such as you can take the trouble to visit my blog, read my rants and leave a comment is the one major thing that propels me in blogging. You cannot imagine the sublime bliss and joy when I know you are reading my post. The sum of all that has made me into a blog addict, kept me mentally and intellectually active and given me so much joy and satisfaction in life.
Blogging is highly addictive and it is difficult for me to pull away from the laptop to see the traffic and streams of comments and feedback in the discussions of blog posts. Your comments mean a lot to me - honestly! As you know, I always make it a point to respond to every single comment because I am touched that in the sea of millions of blogs, you chose to visit mine and to leave a comment - which means you sacrificed your time to pen your thoughts in my blog! I have learnt so much in terms of knowledge, wisdom, perspective and about life from the comments that readers have left here in my blog.
In fact, I go through the comments very often to understand and to appreciate what has been written, always marveling how these comments embellish my posts so beautifully in such an inspiring or funny or wise manner. Thank you, dear reader. If not for you, there would not be me in cyberspace!
I have had to pay the price for blogging. In August 2009, my 17-inch Dell laptop got burnt because I did not know the fan was broken and I had been blogging for 9 hours straight. That was quite a pricey lappy and it was heartbreaking for me. The loss was considerable and it would have cost me @ 2000rm to repair it. So I had to buy a new laptop and this time I am using a heavy duty business laptop - the cost of which burnt a big hole in my wallet. The temptation to incorporate advertisements in my blog is not a very strong one because I am an idealist and cannot imagine how those ads would spoil the ambiance of my blog template so till today, I have not earned anything from blogging even though my former students are earning four figure incomes from their blog ad revenue! Yup - that is the idealist in me.
Honestly, blogging requires creativity and I try my best to be creative in the type of posts I put up and even in the way I write, although most of the time, I give myself a B-. Blogging requires dedication and believe me, I am very dedicated to my blog - my most precious possession after my life and my family! Even more so, it requires an addiction to the act of blogging itself and I know I am a die-hard hopeless addict.
Here are ten signs that testify to my blog addiction!
1. Blogger, Google Reader and other RSS readers are always open in my laptop.
2. I am usually late for appointments (Murali should know!!!) because “something” came up but in reality, it was because I was blogging - editing, responding to comments, pinging my blog or reading.
3. I often dream that I am blogging - and this happened when I was on vacation last week!
4. I am inspired for new blog posts at the strangest times when in the strangest places – sitting on the toilet, when driving, while cooking - you can imagine now how blogging fills my mind!!! I just don't have time to think of my husband or any idol LOL!! Ok lah, I do think of my darling spouse and call him at work daily, er much to his chagrin...
5. Before I started blogging, I used to check my son's books for the tasks I assigned to him. Now I check for unapproved blog comments before heading to bed!
6. It is compulsory for my family to read my blog. Furthermore, if they want to communicate with me, they have to talk to me while I am at my laptop or skype me LOL via their respective computers LOL!!
7. I have actually set up six backup blogs for this blog for fear that blogger might close shop one day and I might lose all my writings :-).
8. My technorati ranking never meant anything but now it does.
9. I blog about anything and everything including my addiction, my rants, music, movies, jokes etc and I sometimes wonder if readers think I am a mad hatter!
10. I have even synchronized my blog with my Twitter.
11. Due to blogging, there have been many occasions when I forgot to turn on the rice cooker switch and only found out when my son said, "Mom! You did it again!".
12. Because of my obsession with blogging, there have been times when I forgot to fetch my son from his art/music classes and even forgot to hang the laundry....Ah- there are far too many embarrassing incidents!
I could go on and on but one thing is for sure - blogging has changed and enriched my life and view of so many issues and people. I just want to say thank you dear reader and friend, for following my blog, reading my posts and for sharing your thoughts via comments.
Without you, there would not be my blogs!
Thanks and God bless you and yours always. Have a nice day!
A few days ago, I put up a post on HOW TO STAY YOUNG which generated lively responses from some readers. The following is the response from one of the readers which both witty and humorous. I thought I'd post it separately (with his permission) so that you may enjoy the witty humor. Smile a lot and stay young and beautiful! Have a nice day!
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How To Stay Young
1)Go vegetarian- burgers are a good source as beef come from cows which eats grass, so it goes without saying that beef is refined vegetable.Fried foods are also a good source of vegetables as oil is made from vegetables.
2)Have regular sex-preferably with someone from the opposite sex and not paid for.You need the money for your retirement.
3)Fart regularly as it expels toxins in the body.While you are at it,save the world and fart in a jar.Recycle.
4)Look yourself in a mirror preferably as far away as possible.You'd be amazed how good you look at that distance especially if you're myopic.
5)Do NOT exercise as it wastes your heartbeats.God gave us a set number of heartbeats, I repeat,do not waste it.
6)Fatty foods are good as the ones with fibre will stick in your teeth and cause tooth decay.
7)Have a hobby - watching grass grow is a good hobby as it is non impact.Slouching on the sofa and watching lizards run around is another good pastime.
8)If you are balding,wear a hat and don't go near a bowling alley or they will mistake your head for a bowling ball with dire consequences.
9)Tell your spouse you've got a new squeeze.The adrenaline rush when he/she smashes your face with a bat can be therapeutic and a good excuse to have your face reconstructed.
10)Look out for the obituaries and thank the stars that you're such a lucky sod to be still alive after following the above 9 steps.
Have a nice day!
