masterwordsmith-unplugged

• Time wounds all heels
• A varsity makes strange bedfellows
• Beauty is in the aye of the beholder
• Nothing fractured nothing sprained
• A bad excuse is better for a corporation
• An army marches on our stomach
• The age of miracles is a pest
• Absence makes the heart grow yonder
• After a storm comes a clam
• The best things in life are freed
• The bigger they are the harder they bawl
• The customer was always right
• Confess and be hanged, or ask the government for money
• Half the truth is a good lie
• From shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in three generations (of investors)
• Forewarned is forearmed (for insider traders)
• Beauty is only kin deep
• Every man to his tirade
• In for a penny, in for a pounding
• Necessity is the invention of mother
• Hope for the best and prepare for the wurst
• The more you fund it the worse it stinks
• One good serve returns another

I was among the many Malaysians who watched the final between Lin Dan and Chong Wei. I must confess that I closed my eyes in the last few moments of the match because I could not take the suspense. When the match ended, I had to destress and so I re-wrote an old piece which I had written many years ago...Here it is...

The Brave Sang Kancils

In the tropical forest of La-la-land, there lived three little kancils who had nothing but mutual respect for each other. They enjoyed their tranquil and peaceful life living in harmony with their environment and singing Bob Marley's Ah La La La Long song...



Using the resources from their tropical haven, each of them built a beautiful home for themselves.

One built a house of rare but strong lallang while another constructed a house of sticks.

The third one created a house of cow dung, clay and all kinds of grass and creepers shaped into bricks and baked in a small kiln. When they were finished, the three little kancils were satisfied with their handiwork and home so they settled down and lived in peace and self-determination after they got rid of the foul odour from the cow dung with the fresh lemon grass stalks and pandan leaves from the jungle.

By then, they had their own improved version of Bob Marley's Ah Lalala Song...Singing at the top of their voices in the serene forest had somehow unleashed their musical creativity in unexpected ways.



Most unexpectedly, their idyllic haven was soon shattered.

On one hot and humid day, a big bad wolf descended upon them with expansionist ideas.

He had seen the well-fattened kancils from afar and had grown very hungry physically and ideologically.

When the three little kancils saw the wolf, they ran helter skelter and sought refuge in the house of lallang.

The wolf ran up to the house and banged on the door, shouting, "Hello there, little Sang Kancils! It's only me - Mr. Wolfeedee Wolf! Please let me in! It is terribly hot out here and I need a glass of cold water."

The kancils shouted back, "Go the the river and drink to your heart's content there. We will not be fooled by your deceitful lies and have united to defend our homes and land."

By then, the three brave kancils had sent smoke signals to the other kancils living in their little haven. Aha!

Big bad wolves do not give up easily - especially when it came to servile and delicate-looking kancils no matter how much muscle they had.

Mr. Wolfeedee Wolf was adamant that the three little kancils must not deny him of what he thought to be his rightful claim and destiny. So he huffed and puffed and blew down the house of lallang. The frightened kancils ran to the house of sticks with the wolf was behind them in hot pursuit. Thankfully, they found refuge in their house of sticks. Or so they thought.


Soon, where the house of lallang had stood, Mr. Wolfeedee Wolf had already executed Plan A into action. A brainwave when sitting under the coconut tree one day came when one coconut fell on his head 'boing'.

He came up with a fantastic marketing plan and sold the parcels of land around the area to other big bad wolves who started all kinds of plantations in the vicinity. Their greed was the greatest motivator for success so they grew richer and richer as they took the land from the kancils and other living creatures of La-La-Land.

By then, they no longer sang Bob Marley's Ah Lalala Long and the air was filled with strains of Bob Marley's Get Up Stand Up for your rights...Don't give the fight...

Soon after, the wolf again banged on the door of the house of sticks and shouted, "Little Sang Kancils, little darlings, let me in! Don't be shy! It's only me, Mr. Wolfeedee Wolf. Since we are neighbours now, it is time we get to know each other."

The three little kancils shouted back, "Go and see your Maker, you evil, idiotic, carnivorous, imperialistic oppressor!"

Upon hearing that, Mr. Wolfeedee Wolf's blood pressure spiked to an all-time high. The enraged wolf huffed and puffed and blew down the house of sticks.

This time, the kancils ran to the house of bricks as they had long planned their escape route. Mr. Wolfeedee Wolf suddenly had supersonic energy from his outburst of anger and chased them so closely at their heels until they could smell his bad breath as the wind was blowing at them from behind.

By then, they did not know which was worst - being gassed to death by Mr Wolfeedee Wolf's very bad case of halitosis or to be devoured by his rotting teeth.

In a moment of madness, one of the brave kancils turned back and gasped.

Where the house of sticks had stood, Mr. Wolf had already put Plan B into place. Other evil wolves built a time-share condo resort complex for vacationing wolves, with each unit a fibreglass reconstruction of the house of sticks, as well as native curio shops, snorkeling in man-made lakes and tiger shows, the real type - not Thai girl shows! By Jove, all kinds of fast food restaurants, the usual nasi lemak sellers had already descended on them! Onwards they ran, faster for safety.

At the house of bricks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted, "Little kancils, little kancils, please let me in! I am old and weary and this is not the way for a good wolf like me to die."

This time in response, the pigs sang solidarity songs and wrote letters of protest to the Freedom for Animals Organization. They also hung banners and set up websites to express their outrage and to spark off petitions.


By then, Mr Wolfeedee Wlf was totally consumed by anger and was outraged that the little kancils could not see the situation from his perspective.

He took a deep breath and huffed and puffed, and huffed and puffed and then...he started to shake...and tthen grabbed his chest and fell over dead from a massive heart attack brought on from eating too many fatty foods. If only he had taken his lecithin capsules regularly as advised by yours truly in my post here. :-)

The three little kancils rejoiced that indeed like in all fairy tales, good had once again triumphed over evil. So they started their victory dance around the Mr Wolfeedee Wolf's carcass.

The other kancils heard the celebration singing and united to liberate their homeland from the band of bandit wolves which had grown fat from their slothful lifestyle, lazing around and milking their resources away.

The unexpected army of heroic but tiny kancils attacked the resort complex Terminator-style with the latest artillery sponsored by Transformers, the Dark Knight, Spiderman, other super heroes and other wealthy kancils living in richer and more peaceful lands from afar. Their wonderful laser guns and rocket launchers completely annihilated their oppressors. By then, wordhad spread literally with the click of a mouse - oops I meant kancil...to send a clear signal to all that they had risen to reclaim their land. No other creature ever dared to tresspass their land ever again..

The brave little kancils then googled for democratic processes and eventually set up the most ideal democractic system in the beautiful tropical jungle with free education, universal health care and affordable housing for all kancils -big and small, young and old, ugly and beautiful. And they lived happily ever after!!!

* This IS a fairy tale after all.:-)

Note: The wolf and kancils in this story is a metaphorical construct. No actual wolves or kancils were harmed in the writing of the story. Any resemblance to any living creature big or small, dead or alive or yet to be born is a pure coincidence. :-) This is a work of humour, satire and parody. That means the statements and information contained in these pages are by no means fact, and are offered solely as comedy material or as individual opinion.

Do leave a comment for I would love to hear your views. Thanks! Have a nice day!

Life is already complex enough without the masks that people wear. Standing at the threshold of my sunset years, I look back and am quite shocked at how I have changed the most in the last one year or so. The time spent on deleting my Facebook posts made me realize that it was when I found myself that I became the strongest. Sometimes, silence is better than confrontation. It is better to have our head held high in dignity than to resort to confrontations.

I guess being Asian has something to do with saving or keeping 'face' till it is almost natural for many not to say what they really feel in their hearts. And so we stand on ceremony. But I don't and never did. What you see or read is exactly what I am. It has been that way for as long as I can remember.

In the journey we call life, I am sure many of us have experienced rude jolts to reality especially on the colorful side of people.

Why is it that so often, people are cruel?

Unkind?

Some take delight in striking out to hurt others either by accusations, silence or even what they think is a tour de force move? In their attempt to hurt others, it may only be years down the road that they realize the one they hurt the most is themselves.

Being a spontaneous person who says and writes what is exactly in my heart with no pretentiousness, it is extremely difficult for me to fathom the how's and why's of hypocrisy, insincerity and maliciousness.

However, I am glad for the way the years have added wisdom, insight and foresight in the way I see, perceive and anticipate people's moves. And then I retreat or detach myself mentally before they begin their assault. So when they do, the blow is but a gentle one. There have even been times when my counter-blow takes them by surprise.

There was a time when I thought genuine humans are a rarity but by a sweet twist of fate, some blog readers have restored in me faith in humanity.

In such a cold and cruel world, it is easy for idealists like me to become stoical and alien to feelings but thanks to guardian angels, I know when to step forward, when to do a mental retreat before pulling back completely when and if I realize that people are not who they project themselves to be.

I have given up trying to understand the psychological make-up of people or to compartmentalize them into various temperaments or categories in an attempt to make sense of what seems senseless - the things they do or don't do or the things they say or don't say. The halls of experience have enabled me to anticipate when hypocrisy or insincerity may strike again. Yet, I feel no bitterness, only thankfulness that they years have been kind to me for before calamity strikes, I have exited via the escape hatch.

So often, I wonder if all this is the product of modern society when people slowly detach themselves from their feelings/emotions/motivations and rationalize their irrational actions.

Could it be the product of the Photoshopping culture to make something appear more beautiful than what they see?

If only people would stop wearing masks to hide their real selves.

If only they stopped dichotomizing ideals from emotions and deeming the former as more important than the latter.

Perhaps then one would not be alienated from their true selves.

My teenage angst years were made easier by John Powell's books including "Why Am I Afraid to Love?" and "Why am I Afraid to tell You Who I Am?".  He is right. Fear is debilitating and stunts our growth.

Somehow, there are those who perceive honesty as a sign of weakness. Exposing their vulnerabilities might make them seem as though they are at the mercy of those who could see right through their souls.

I beg to differ.

Never have I been happier or emotionally stronger as I am today. I look back and cringe when I recall how emo/needy I used to be. Reaching this point of my life was not an easy process but with strong, steadfast and wise friends such as Angela and Linda, morphing into the new me has been relatively smooth but complicated journey.

The one who is in touch with himself/herself and dares to make a choice of how much to reveal instead weaving a web of deceit or hypocrisy stands to gain confidence, self-respect and be blessed with genuine friends for life.

Thank you to those of you who have extended a sincere hand of friendship via consistent emails and communication. Thank you for who you are, for blessing me with your nuggets of wisdom, even jokes, for the unexpected presents be it in the form of encouragement and emotional support, herbs, food, notes to touch base with me and so much more. The way you reached out to me and responded to my emails have reminded me that yes, there may be darkness in this world but once in a while, the light of sincerity shines through to steer me in the path of hope and more.

May we always be true to ourselves, what we say/do and to be kind to one another, expecting nothing in return and without using others for our personal gain. A tall order but definitely possible.

All it takes is the removal of masks and a little bit of love and kindness. God bless you.

Don't be fooled by the face I wear,

for I wear a thousand masks,

And none of them are me.

Don't be fooled, for goodness sake, don't be fooled.

I give you the impression that I'm secure,

that confidence is my name and coolness is my game,

And that I need no one.

But don't believe me.

Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in aloneness, in fear.

That's why I create a mask to hide behind,

to shield me from the glance that knows,

But such a glance is precisely my salvation.

That is, if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by love.

It's the only thing that can liberate me from my own self-built prison walls.

I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing and that I'm just no good,

And that you will reject me.

And so begins the parade of masks.

I idly chatter to you.

I tell you everything that's really nothing and

Nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me.

Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying.

I'd really like to be genuine and spontaneous, and me.

But you've got to help me.

You've got to hold out your hand.

Each time you're kind and gentle, and encouraging,

Each time you try to understand because you really care,

My heart begins to grow wings, feeble wings, but wings.

With your sensitivity and sympathy, and your power of understanding,

You alone can release me from my shallow world of uncertainty.

It will not be easy for you.

The nearer you approach me, The blinder I may strike back.

But I'm told that Love is stronger than strong walls,

And in this lies my only hope.

Please try to beat down these walls with firm hands

But gentle hands, for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you wonder.

I am every man you meet,

and also every woman that you meet,

And I am you, also.

-Author Unknown-

Love knows no boundaries, or so they say. A mother's love is very strong and history has shown how many have sacrificed a lot because of their families (men as well!). However, in our earnestness in desiring the best for our children or grandchildren, I strongly believe honesty, integrity and wisdom are vital.

Read the following news reports and see how two women loved differently. The first is a touching report of how great is a grandmother's love for her grandson (God bless both of them and may some kind Samaritan help them soon) and the second is one most of you would have read of a Minister and how she does not regret what she did for her son.

Report #1

According to The Star:

A PARTIALLY blind elderly woman was seen selling newspapers by the roadside with her seven-year-old grandson in Singapore, reported China Press.

The boy was seen doing his homework, having meals and sleeping on the ground while keeping his grandmother Lim Yuk Hua, 63, company.

Lim's husband died five years ago while her only daughter is married to a man who stays in Seremban.

She wanted her grandson Teh Chee Yong to live with her in the republic so that he could benefit from the good education there.

Many netizens expressed concern over their plight after pictures showing Lim and her grandson sitting by the roadside were uploaded to the Internet.

Lim, when approached by a reporter, claimed that she had been selling newspapers for more than 30 years.

She said her eyes had been partially blinded by the ashes of burnt prayer paraphernalia some 20 years ago.

She added that she had to support herself by selling newspapers as her daughter was barely making ends meet.

“I earn about S$400 (RM1,000) monthly.

“Although life is tough, I am happy because we have no problems securing two meals. Besides that, my grandson is very obedient,” she said.

Report #2

Yen Yen: No regrets over Australian PR status
by Kow Gah Chie of Malaysiakini

MCA vice-president Ng Yen Yen has expressed pride in her decision to seek permanent residence (PR) in Australia some 17 years ago, for the sake of her son's education.

"I went to Australia for my son's education. I am very proud of it (as) my son is a very successful lawyer. I have no regrets," said Ng, who is also tourism minister.

She told a press conference that she had applied for PR status in the 1990s, but that she gave it up in 1995 when her son completed his studies.

Ng was referring to a remark that DAP secretary-general Lim Guan Eng had targeted at MCA ministers during yesterday's debate 2.0, saying that not every Malaysian is able to get PR status in Australia.

Even through he had not named her, Ng said she was offering the clarification in order to “prevent being misunderstood”.

She also said Lim had revealed his lack of vision and policies, and had avoided answering questions during the debate.

"This is typical of Guan Eng. He ran out of issues and instead dug up something that happened 20 years ago," she said.

Ng was also unhappy with Lim (left) for bringing up the RM1.8 million Cuti-Cuti Malaysia Facebook issue during the debate.

She urged social media users to correct Lim’s "total ignorance", and said the money spent was for tourism campaigns and advertisements.

Raising the matter of the controversial of RM5 million ‘Kancil carpark’ near the Penang Hill, Ng said she holds Lim responsible for the demolition of the facility due to bad design and construction.

"Hey, (if) you can't even build a RM5 million carpark,what can you do ?" she said with obvious sarcasm.

Appeal on Pempena ruling

Malaysia Tourism Promotion Board chairperson Victor Wee, who was at the press conference, said Pembangunan Pelancongan Nasional Sdn Bhd (Pempena) will file an application to stay a High Court decision to wind up the company.

The Tourism Malaysia subsidiary was ordered to wind up its operations last month after failing to repay RM12.4 million to Kah Bintang Auto Sdn Bhd for the purchase of 120 units of Hyundai Sonata for its taxi service.

The SunDaily reported that the petition was not defended.

Wee said Pempena will discuss this with the official receiver to seek the best solution for all parties.

*Dato' Sri Dr. Ng Yen Yen is a Malaysian politician and the current Minister of Tourism in the Malaysian Cabinet. She is the current Vice-President of Malaysian Chinese Association (MCA).

According to Wikipedia:

"Cutting off the nose to spite the face" is an expression used to describe a needlessly self-destructive over-reaction to a problem: "Don't cut off your nose to spite your face" is a warning against acting out of pique, or against pursuing revenge in a way that would damage oneself more than the object of one's anger.
The phrase is known to have been used in the 12th century. It may be associated with the numerous legends of pious women disfiguring themselves in order to protect their virginity. These cases include Saint Eusebia, Saint Ebba, Saint Oda of Hainault and Saint Margaret of Hungary.

The most famous[citation needed] of these cases was that of Aebbe the Younger, the Mother Superior of the monastery of Coldingham. In 867 AD, Viking pirates from Zealand and Uppsala landed in Scotland. When news of the raid reached Saint Ebba, she gathered her nuns together and urged them to disfigure themselves, so that they might be unappealing to the Vikings. In this way, they hoped to protect their chastity. She demonstrated this by cutting off her nose and upper lip, and the nuns proceeded to do the same. The Viking raiders were so disgusted that they burned the entire building to the ground.

The expression has since become a blanket term for (often unwise) self-destructive actions motivated purely by anger or desire for revenge. For example, if a man was angered by his wife, he might burn down their house to punish her; however, burning down her house would also mean burning down his, along with all their combustible personal possessions.

In the 1796 edition of Grose's Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue, "He cut off his nose to be revenged of his face." is defined as "one who, to be revenged on his neighbour, has materially injured himself." The word "spite" is used in the sense of revenge and "face" is used in the sense of honor.

Of late, it seems that class, elegance and good public relations tactics are seemingly in a state of want when we look at what some bloopers made by some political leaders.

It is quite shocking that in an attempt to ward off 'attacks' from their enemies, some cut the nose to spite the face. The lack of foresight and wisdom prevented them from seeing the ramifications of their words of defence. READ THIS.



Even a leader's written response to one particular MSM as published in another site has a mechanical error in the second sentence of the third paragraph. A rush job?
The recent debate revealed even another PR disaster.

Seriously, it appears that some are reacting emotionally rather than taking the bull by the horns and calling a spade a spade. If there are accusations, either admit or deny FIRMLY rather than exacerbating the situation by indulging in personal attacks.

It appears that those who have been in the limelight the past few days need to engage the rakyat in more intelligent terms.

The following articles would better acquaint us of the steps and strategies that they should have taken instead of all the drama-rama ruckus which leaves a bad taste in our mouths.

1. How to Counter the Reporter Ambush

2. Preparing for Damage Control

3. The  Three C's of Credibility

4. The Case for a Reputation Protection Model

5. The Truth About PR Disasters

6. The 15 Biggest PR Disasters of the Decade

7. Learning from past PR Crises

8. Risk Issues and Crises Management

If those involved do not assess and contain the collateral damage, it is likely that the current Public Relations debacle may affect them negatively in the coming elections. Some examples would be the ongoing critiques of Bulletin Mutiara and how development in Penang that may not seem to be people-centric. We must not forget the bonanza articles in The Sunday Star about Penang.

People choose what they want to believe in based on their perceptions of the problems.

If issues are poorly handled such as when parties involved shoot anything from their mouths that end up shooting themselves in the foot, who is at fault? Hence, this is a major Public Relations crisis that some are facing.

Hopefully, they will come down from their ivory tower and connect with the rakyat!

According to Peter Van Onselen of The Sunday Telegraph recently:

1 Did you know that victorious new Premier for Queensland, Campbell Newman, has hired as his chief spin doctor none other than former head of news at Channel 9 in Queensland, Lee Anderson. That's the same Lee Anderson who resigned taking "full responsibility" for the infamous "choppergate" saga, which involved authorising two fake live news crosses to the Daniel Morcombe search site when the chopper was above the Nine studios.

2 Did you know struggling foreign minister Bob Carr has hired as his senior political adviser former NSW Premier Nathan Rees' chief-of-staff Graham Wedderburn. Let's face it, Carr should be trying to distance himself at every opportunity from the disastrous 16-year NSW Labor government he led for over a decade. Adding spice is the fact Wedderburn had done a deal to win his way into the Senate with Mark Arbib before Arbib dudded him. Whose senate vacancy did Carr fill? Why Arbib's of course.

3 Did you know Tony Abbott has said that he will not be reshuffling his frontbench before the next election. That decision means that if Labor does change leaders as many expect, Abbott won't be able to reconfigure his frontbench to match the new line-up the new PM puts together. Either way, it means that the significant deadwood residing on the frontbench can't be moved on ahead of an election, giving newcomers time to learn the craft before the rigours of government set in.

READ THE REST OF THE ENTRY HERE.

In reality, we have plenty of examples a little closer to home :-).

In the 1960's, drinking Ribena was a real treat then. With its refreshing taste packed in a beautiful glass bottle, it was common for many mothers to pack the Ribena drink for their school-going kids (and that includes yours truly!)

Ribena is a British brand of fruit-based uncarbonated soft drink, carbonated soft drink and fruit drink concentrate produced by GlaxoSmithKline. The original and most common variety contains real blackcurrant juice. Read more HERE.

Fast forward to 2012....

Jo Kukuthas, founding director and artistic director the Instant Cafe Theatre has given new meaning to Ribena in her Ribena Berry character. Many of you would know that Jo Kukuthas is one of the most talented, versatile and charismatic performers of our time. Enduring, engimatic and endearing, Jo puts together many pressing concerns in such a rib-tickling fashion that one does not know whether to cry, laugh or be absolutely flabbergasted at the state of affairs. Her talent and creativity is certainly par excellence.

I have watched this video about ten times and it is still laughingly entertaining. Now if you still have not watched this fantastic video, PLEASE CLICK HERE AND ENJOY THIS POTPOURRI OF MALAYSIAN ISSUES ALA JO KUKUTHAS' BRAND OF HUMOR AND SATIRE.

You will not regret it. It is true!!! :-)

In the mean time, Malaysiakini reported today that The Aiyoh... Wat Lah?! Awards 2011 held at the Central Market Annexe conferred ‘awards’ to the six most discriminatory remarks by public figures and policymakers deemed sexist, misogynistic, homophobic or transphobic.

CLICK HERE to read the report which mentioned intriguing categories such as:

• Foot in Mouth
• Cannot Ignore
• Ad Nauseam
• Policy Fail
• Right On Track etc

According to Malaysiakini, the nominations were collected from news reports last year and were voted internally by 74 representatives of the various member groups under JAG in seven days.

Where the conservation of species is concerned, the giant panda is surely the most powerful symbol in the world. Recent developments indicate that panda diplomacy is now in vogue.

In the third national census conducted by WWF in 2004, it is estimated that there are about 1600 left in the wild - an increase of more than 40 percent previously known to exist. The 2004 survey showed that there are 23,049km2 of panda habitat in China.

A national treasure in China, the panda is also the symbol of the World Wildlife Foundation since its formation in 1961.

The pair of panda bears, on loan to Malaysia by China, will be placed at the Wetland Park in Putrajaya because of its location which is in the country’s administrative centre, Minister in the Prime Minister’s Department Datuk Seri Mohamed Nazri Abdul Aziz said today.

He said the choice of the Wetland Park was made also because it was easy for the people to go.

“We appreciate the panda bears because they symbolise the close relationship between Malaysia and China.

“The people should have access to the bears and we choose the Wetland Park because the place is easy for the people to go,” he told reporters after the 1 Malaysia community gotong-royong with participants of the National Service Training Programme at Kampung Sauk here.

Can you imagine the cost of maintaining those pandas? And at whose expense? Is it justified?

Well, we need not go to Putrajaya or China to see pandas! Atlanta Zoo runs a live cam for its Pandas. The site said that thanks to a generous gift from EarthCam, fans all over the world can continue to enjoy watching Zoo Atlanta’s giant pandas.

The live stream will be broadcast Monday – Friday; 10 a.m. – 5 p.m. (EST) AT THIS LINK.

CLICK THIS LINK to enjoy lovable and cute photos of pandas FREE OF CHARGE :-).

Those endearing pictures of pandas will certainly provide comic relief for our reaction to the imponderable pandering of pandas!

Have a lovely evening!

Two well-dressed ladies happened to start-up a conversation during an endless wait in Brisbane Airport Terminal. The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy businessman. The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Mount Isa, Queensland.

After a little while, the Victorian woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from Mount Isa commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from Mount Isa commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman went on, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Mount Isa lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

“My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Mount Isa lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my Lord! What could they teach you??"

The Mount Isa lady responded, "Well as an example... instead of saying, "Who gives a f***?", I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious?"

Thanks to Saudara Kassim who sent me this post.

Have a great day, everyone!

According to Wikipedia:

Déjà vu is the feeling of certainty that one has already witnessed or experienced a current situation, even though the exact circumstances of the prior encounter are unclear and were perhaps imagined. The term was coined by a French psychic researcher, Émile Boirac (1851–1917) in his book L'Avenir des sciences psychiques ("The Future of Psychic Sciences"), which expanded upon an essay he wrote while an undergraduate. The experience of déjà vu is usually accompanied by a compelling sense of familiarity, and also a sense of "eeriness", "strangeness", "weirdness", or what Sigmund Freud calls "the uncanny". The "previous" experience is most frequently attributed to a dream, although in some cases there is a firm sense that the experience has genuinely happened in the past.

Here are some hilarious variants of deja vu to keep you smiling. Please feel free to add to this list! The more the merrier! Have a lovely evening!

___________________

Deja boo: The feeling that I've been frightened like this before

Deja coup: The feeling my government has been overthrown like this before.

Deja clue: The feeling that colonel mustard has done it in the billiard room with the lead pipe before.

Deja do: The feeling my hairdresser has given me this cut before.

Deja eau: the feeling I've smelled this perfume before.

Deja fu: The feeling I've been kicked in the head like this before.

Deja who: The feeling I've known who was on first before.

Deja jew: The feeling I've wandered in the desert like this before.

Deja knew: The feeling that I remembered this information before (before the test, that was).

Deja loo: The feeling I've been to this bathroom before.

Deja moo: The feeling I've drank this milk before.

Deja mu: The feeling I've calculated the mean of this population before.

Deja new: The feeling I haven't experienced this before. (AKA, "Vuja De" - Nothing like this HAS EVER happened to me before.)

Deja ooh: The feeling I've exclaimed at these fireworks before.

Deja poo: The feeling I've stepped in this before.

Deja Q: The feeling I've encountered this entity before.

Deja rue: The feeling I've regretted this day before.

Deja stew: The feeling that this is made from the pot roast my mom served the week before.

Deja too: The feeling that I've experienced this before, also.

Deja two: The feeling that I've experienced this before, twice.

Deja woo: The feeling that heather has yelled at someone like this before.

Deja you: The feeling that YOU have experienced this before.

Deja zoo: The feeling that the monkey has done this in public before.

DUH-ja-vu: The feeling that the answer was so obvious, that you *surely* should have known it before. DUH!

-Author Unknown-

When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices, move away immediately.

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to do the job, so be prepared.

When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go it alone.

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

Do not take anything from the dead.

If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for good reason. Take the hint and stay away.

Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you’re doing.

If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

-Author Unknown-

"Give yourself a mile so you will at least take an inch."

"Boredom is lack of creativity, not lack of options."

"There are many benefits to keeping a secret. Unfortunately, I am not at liberty to tell you what they are."

"Truly, a fortune cookie contains such wisdom as could only be attained by a highly processed confection."

"An aroused lover will make it clear to you that a bed is no place to sleep."

"Jesus must be pretty easy-going, seeing how little he cares about people misrepresenting his intellectual property."

"I would ask all people who do not pursue their dreams to at least make sure that the only time that's being wasted is their own."

"Man observed ugliness and beauty, then forgot which one was which."

"No idea is so bright that it cannot be dimmed."

"A wise man once said, 'Cake is better than pie.'
It was later revealed that he wasn't so wise."

"Youthful indiscretions should be enjoyed by people of all ages."

"Eat when you're tired;
Sleep when you're hungry;
Reset your clock."

"A hard worker knows that a good night's sleep can take place during any time of day."

"There is nothing so disorienting as staring at yourself in the mirror for several hours, only to realize you were never facing it to begin with."

"Privacy is best when shared."

"Mother Nature and Father Time need to get together... put aside their differences."

"A perfect wine tasting is like heaven, but with nicer weather."

"Self-indulgence is a right, not a privilege."

"If only the average person were more attractive there would be so much less need for modesty."

"Love is a never-ending game of on-topsmanship."

"The only people who are truly for hypocrisy are those who are against it."

"To please a woman is to say 'please' to a woman...but at other times not."

"We die a little each day, until that one day, when we die a lot."

"The laziest of people have no problem accomplishing everything they set out to do."

"A weak argument is its own justification."

"Sharing great wisdom in the company of fools may lead them to take you as one of their own."

"I am less surprised that my expectations were met, and more that I had any to begin with."

"It is a pity that we fault works of art for being overrated when really it is the critics who have done us the disservice."

"A liar who is not dishonest with himself is shamefully uncommitted to his art."

"You'll never be bored if you can create your own problems."

"Whenever I meet a person who defies description, I take it as a hint that I should practice my vocabulary."

"I urge everyone against choosing their dying words ahead of time. I said mine years ago and now I look like quite the fool."

"Justice is revenge without the fun."

"No amount of cunning can prevent you from being fooled by yourself."

Here's an oldie but still a goodie...Posted for laughs and the lesson therein. No offense meant to anyone. Have a lovely day!

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S A** OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S A**.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST A** IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS HER A** FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER A** IS WILD AND FREE..


The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's as* and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

"Oh please excuse me," said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little Fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!"

The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked,

"Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You must be a PO**TICIAN!"

Thanks to Angela who sent me this post which I posted on Nov 30, 2010 and am re-posting for HUMOR and not to insult anyone. Have a nice day!

It is quite difficult to promote the reading habit these days because of the pervasive influence of the mass media.

Having said that, in days of old when children did read books by Roald Dahl, Enid Blyton, Agatha Christie etc., we cannot deny that such literature really broadened our minds and improved our vocabulary. Anyway take a look at the following list. I shudder as I realize how fortunate it is for us that no one has written anything along the lines of the following list of warped titles! Do add to the list - just for laughs!

• You Are Different and That's Bad
• The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
• Dad's New Wife Robert
• Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
• Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
• The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
• Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
• Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
• All Cats Go to Play
• The Little Sissy Who Snitched
• Some Kittens Can Sing
• That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
• Grandpa Gets a Casket
• The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
• Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
• The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
• Strangers Have the Best Candy
• Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
• You Were an Accident
• Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
• Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
• The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
• Your Nightmares Are Real
• Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
• Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
• Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

Investigators at a major research institution have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Governmentium.

This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since it has no electrons, Governmentium is inert.

However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of approximately four years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.

In fact, a Governmentium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".

You will know it when you see it. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element which radiates just as much energy since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

-Author Unknown-

*This is a fictitious satirical fable, author unknown. I only changed the paragraphing of this piece which I first posted HERE under a different title.

*Posted for laughs and a grim reminder of the reality before us. I reckon such a scenario will be ad infinitum unless major changes can be made by people power.

Have a nice day.

One evening, the clever man, Huojia went to fetch some water from the well. To his surprise, when he looked into the well, he found the moon sunk in the well shining.

"Oh, good Heavens, what a pity! The beautiful moon has dropped into the well!" so he dashed home for a hook, and tied it with the rope for his bucket, then put it into the well to fish for the moon.

After some time of hunting for the moon, Haojia was pleased to find that something was caught by the hook.. He must have thought it was the moon. He pulled hard by the rope. Due to the excessive pulling, the rope broke into apart and Haojia fell flat on his back. Taking the advantage of that post, Haojia saw the moon again high in the sky.

He sighed with emotion, "Aha, it finally came back to its place! What a good job!"

He felt very happy and told whomever he met with about the wonderment proudly without knowing what he did was something impractical.

-Author Unknown-

I am posting this story because it is reminiscent of what we see so often - a reminder of how some may be spewing lies so often that over time, even they themselves believe these to be facts and not fiction!

Do leave a comment to share your views! Thanks!